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  • Writer's pictureMalar Villi

Transparent Idiot

Can you please show our people how to be transparent in their communication? A client posed the question. My heartbeat quickened, and I felt a sudden surge of anger within me. Is it because I find it difficult to be transparent despite my desire? Did I want to challenge my client so and say, are you transparent in your communication? Thank goodness, I didn't. I thought for a bit and felt my way around how best to manage it. I said: Well in my mind, transparency in communication is desirable, an ideal state. With transparency, we can deal with the truth. No guessing game, no misunderstandings. What a perfect world it would have been. As she went into silence, I began to ask myself what would it take for me to be transparent? Why would I allow others to see through me, especially when I am not at my best state? I am most fearful ( I think) of being judged and the desire to be accepted as I am. My strengths and weaknesses alike. While some of my friends find me outspoken, they hardly know that a lot of times, I just let my thoughts permeate until I feel ready.The readiness takes its form. With some friends, I am ever willing to say it all, without censorship but with the majority, I make choices based on the reactions that I anticipate from them. The struggle to express my thoughts and feelings is probably my first obstacle. I have realised in my past that, when I am clear in my thinking, it enables me to express my thoughts appropriately. When others do not seem to understand or seek clarification, I feel empowered to communicate further and be more resourceful in expressing myself. It empowers me to give examples, find metaphors and I become more skilled in my communication, more confident and the courage to be more transparent. However, often , when my expressions are challenged or questioned in a judgemental way, I often regret ever starting a conversation around it. These are the times I wish for a magical vocabulary to say it right. There is always hope for communication skills to be learnt, I realise . But then, sometimes I get reactions that take the message to a point of misunderstanding, and all my clarification does not work. I surely hope that I know how to respond to a reaction. When I am not able to respond, I feel like an idiot or talking to another. These situations disempowered and de-energised to communicate. Over the years, I have begun to recognise and realise that we occupy different mental spaces. And when we are in different areas, we just can't meet. We can talk but can't listen. We can judge but can't empathise. We can be superior or inferior but not equals. We can be right but not respectful. To be transparent, I need to feel acceptance so that when you shine the light through me, you will appreciate me for who I am, what I have experienced. In return, I will feel the urge and need to be transparent.

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