Updated: Apr 25
It has been a strange week, I realised. There were many highlights in my life and yet I felt empty. I don't like to feel this way. I feel weighed down, and my immediate choice is to talk about it to my friends, but today I chose otherwise. Instead, I opted to experience it. The sense of not being needed began to overwhelm me. I walked down the highlights of the week and realised that Friday was my lightest moment. I felt moved by the memories shared by my wonderful friends at work as we spoke about how paths crossed and they helped me to recognise the blessing they were to me and I was one to them too. But joy refused to visit. Gratitude stayed home.
As I met up with another group of dear friends the next day, the dark clouds began to creep in. The feeling of being lost amidst familiarity that once brought joy and laughter. I had difficulty starting conversations. I was feeling like my dress, blue. The weight continued on my shoulders, now burdened by the unknown presence of pain, wants desires and responsibilities. Even a massage at the spa could not take them away, and I realised that it was within me.
Joy returned for a bit when I visited uncle after his surgery. To see him smile warmed my heart, and when we held hands, I felt grateful that he was recovering well.I found it hard to let go of him. Then I realised how much I needed to love him. Nothing else mattered, seeing him smile like a child was all that mattered. I woke up this morning feeling the need to shed away the blues without talking about it, so I wrote instead.
I now know that there were hands that I had held in the past that I still long for. The uncertainty and not knowing why they parted or if we would ever hold hands again made my heart heavier. The acceptance of the need to be held was mine. It was not the need of the other. The truth began to ease within me.
To hold, to love and to be needed filled the gaps that I felt within and I kept reaching out to feel complete within. Perhaps the lesson is to acknowledge completeness is a journey but the relationships are complete as they are now. I could be using the need to love in relationships that are reaching out to me at the moment. There are so many hands to hold. My heart began to leap with joy again. I got up with a promise to tango in love today. I will hold the hands in need of my love and not get tangled with the complications that will untangle themselves in its own time.