• Malar Villi

Emerging me

Updated: Apr 25

PRIDE


I woke up this morning, picking up the bible, to listen. My motivation was great as I had just spoken to a close friend who had a lump removed , is scheduled for her chemo and seem to sound excited about her life . I choked as I listened to her and marvelled at her optimism .

I woke up this morning at 5.30 am , awakened by my dream, even though I was determined to sleep in . A vehicle hit me real hard and my body flew , no pain but fear of death conquered me. I desperately wanted to be alive for my kids. I remembered my friend and decided to pray "God, please cushion my fall and I will be Ok" . For some reason , I woke up feeling calm. I remembered that all my dreams are my shadows . I found the courage to face my shadow. I googled for today's reading for my simple mind and found some that made me want to listen despite the to do list that was haunting me. As I read Galatians 6:14-16 , Philippians 1:20-21 & Luke 9:23-26, I found my motivation to write . I wondered which parts of my world that I have resurrected in my own 'growing up' ? Have I grown too big ? I began to contemplate on my PRIDE. In the recent weeks ,I have come to recognise that I am so proud that I have turned out so well , despite my challenging circumstances . My PRIDE is now , perhaps , bigger than me. It is becoming so difficult to say sorry and temper rising within so often and so quickly, all in being righteous. The recognition of this world seems a lot more important than being true to the voice within that wants to stay true to self. The voice gets swallowed by intellectual arguments and pragmatism . The smile , compassion and the lightness of the heart also slowly losing its growth within, perhaps shrinking . My intellect quickly argues that it's my self-esteem. Perhaps ! Maybe I need to check if my self-esteem is actually healthy or seem healthy? No lab test is available , so I will need to use my own LAB to start the TEST and hopefully the RESULT will be accurate. Why do I feel excited that it is going to be an EMERGING process ?


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